This morning at church we were partaking in communion and my father said "Kelly why don't you pray since you have so much to be thankful for this week." Ya know it just doesn't take much to wreck me. I managed to choke out "thankyou father for loving us and blessing us" and I was done and my mom was bawling. Last week it was provision and then this snow storm - amazing! If God can birth a nation in a day why can't he rescue us in a day?
I was just sitting here reflecting on this past week and it seems like a dream. How can you one day be wondering how you are going to feed your family and pay your bills to wondering wait what the heck just happened to us? Ha Ha! Only our Father in heaven. I can't even tell you how many tears I have cried and how many prayers I have said. Its like childbirth. 9 months of carring around a expentancy and then the time comes and its so intense and then its done. And as you lay there holding this precious life in your hands wondering wait - its over. But the reminder of what you went through is all to vivid.
Already this Christmas season is different. I feel different. The other day my brother and I were Christmas shopping for the 1st time this season. I coudn't buy anything. I just stood there with tears in my eyes. My brother Sean just looked at me and finally said " Kelly - you got to make up your mind today- this stuff will all be gone" and I was like" I can't" - its like the story that Heidi Baker told of her first time going to a buffet and freezing up. She is a missionary in a starving nation. Well thats how I felt- sick to my stomach. Thinking we have gone with out for so long and now I have to buy gifts and I just.... well I was overwelmed. Sean grabbed my shoulder and said "God has blessed you with this money so you can bless your children". Yea. Ok. I got it. Sort of.
So as I am sitting here reflecting- I want this Christmas to be different. My heart is screaming out "Father draw me into you! Bring my family to greater intimacy with you. Take us higher. Take us deeper." I have amazing memories of Christmas and all the wonderful things our parents do to make it special. I want Papa to allow amazing mighty encounters with him this Christmas- thats what I want. I want to share this with you! I am so thankful that we were able to buy gifts for our kids. I really am. This year is going to be different and I think its going to be a beginning of a new way of celebrating this season.
Thank you father that you love us. You are amazing. Thankyou Lord for all you have done. And for all you are going to do.
It says in the bible that God has treasure stored in heaven for those that love him. I love him. I have fallen in love. Even during this time of intense testing. I still love him... well actually more. I have laid daily my worries and fears at his feet. I heard this comment from Fanz Lippi- "Prayers are effective. They are like taking a sledge hammer against a wide block cement wall. Eventually you are going to break through." ( well it was something like that)
Merry Christmas friends! May you have a mighty encounter with Christ!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Promises of provision being fullfilled
I have to do a update to my previous post because that was really depressing wasn't it? I read other peoples blogs and they are not so heavy as mine but I really feel lead to write and be honest about where we are at, for me its like an online journal... hmmmm just for all the world to see!
So last week was probably our bottom. Everything and anything went not the way we were hoping. I was devastated and spent most of the weekend criing. My heart literally feels like it is just shattering. My hubby and I were starting to play the blame game. You know what I mean don't you? At that point we sat down and prayed. That is really hard when your in the middle of the blame game. It stopped it.
This past weekend Pastor Dave made a remark in his sermon and I heard it but I didn't. After the service we were talking to my parents and my Dad said "did you hear what P. Dave said?" and I was like "ummmmm which part?" and Dad said " when you are in a place that you can't help yourself you are right where God wants you to be". Well, we are there! Ha!
This past Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - 3 separate provision miracles happend to us. Big ones - well to me when nothing has happened and your on the bottom then everything is amazing. All I can say is I was triing to have hope that we would have a Christmas but I was also prepared that we would not and Sunday night as I was talking w/ Papa - I said to him "you told me to have reckless hopefullness but I have nothing left in me to hope".
Now I am going crazy triing to shop and plan for Christmas. HaHa! God is so good!
God is faithfull in fullfilling his promises! This has not been an easy or short journey. It has been hard remembering that and confessing that when everything is not going my way. He loves us soooo much! So much that he is stripping away my pride and showing me how to have complete trust in him.
I know your wondering what the provision miracles were. Ha! I am going to say this- that if God didn't strip the pride off of us - he would not have been able to give us this provision. Do you get that? Because that was just like a aha moment - wow. Ummm yea. If you really want to know I will share with you but not on here. Its just not the place or maybe the time. I feel like when God gets into the grit and creates a miracle I want to share it and I think we should but I'm not ready to yet. I am letting it all sink in.
I feel like there is more provision coming and I am excited! Are we out of this yet? ..... I don't know and I am not focusing on that right now. I want to enjoy this Christmas with my family and enjoy knowing that God is sooooo good!
So last week was probably our bottom. Everything and anything went not the way we were hoping. I was devastated and spent most of the weekend criing. My heart literally feels like it is just shattering. My hubby and I were starting to play the blame game. You know what I mean don't you? At that point we sat down and prayed. That is really hard when your in the middle of the blame game. It stopped it.
This past weekend Pastor Dave made a remark in his sermon and I heard it but I didn't. After the service we were talking to my parents and my Dad said "did you hear what P. Dave said?" and I was like "ummmmm which part?" and Dad said " when you are in a place that you can't help yourself you are right where God wants you to be". Well, we are there! Ha!
This past Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - 3 separate provision miracles happend to us. Big ones - well to me when nothing has happened and your on the bottom then everything is amazing. All I can say is I was triing to have hope that we would have a Christmas but I was also prepared that we would not and Sunday night as I was talking w/ Papa - I said to him "you told me to have reckless hopefullness but I have nothing left in me to hope".
Now I am going crazy triing to shop and plan for Christmas. HaHa! God is so good!
God is faithfull in fullfilling his promises! This has not been an easy or short journey. It has been hard remembering that and confessing that when everything is not going my way. He loves us soooo much! So much that he is stripping away my pride and showing me how to have complete trust in him.
I know your wondering what the provision miracles were. Ha! I am going to say this- that if God didn't strip the pride off of us - he would not have been able to give us this provision. Do you get that? Because that was just like a aha moment - wow. Ummm yea. If you really want to know I will share with you but not on here. Its just not the place or maybe the time. I feel like when God gets into the grit and creates a miracle I want to share it and I think we should but I'm not ready to yet. I am letting it all sink in.
I feel like there is more provision coming and I am excited! Are we out of this yet? ..... I don't know and I am not focusing on that right now. I want to enjoy this Christmas with my family and enjoy knowing that God is sooooo good!
Friday, December 11, 2009
broken...
Greetings friends! This is my 3rd start to this blog( i keep deleting and starting over!). Can I share my experience with you today? A humbling one? Well good because I am.
Today we went to the new doctors for the kids. So yea that was really interesting. I'm not sure how I survived it without turning around and leaving...in the parking lot before I even parked. Yes thats not a good sign is it? Can I tell you that I am being humbled beyond my imagination. In a previous blog I mentioned that we got kicked off our blue chip and were so graciouly put on medicade. It was a 2 month battle that I did not win and we were stuck with the doctor that was pre-chosen for us. No one else excepted this insurance so we being directed to a inner city health center.
All I can say is God must be giving me courage that I didn't know that I had. As I drove thru a part of the city that is not a place that I would typically drive slowly or find a parking spot. So I find the center that is placed right beside a church and in front of probably a crack house. So we went into the building that had a pharmacy located in it. Does your doctors office have that? Hmmmmmm. Yea thats pretty interesting. We walked thru the building and found the pediatrics. As I sat there my eyes are just brimming... thinking Lord what are you doing to us? We felt very out of place- please I am saying that very humbling but honestly. Look the truth is I could have just walked out of there. I almost did but I coudn't - the kids needed there shots. I could give you all the disparing details of the rooms, the help, the people. My son kept saying to me "Mom I don't like this place." As we left I asked him "Ok so what did you think of that place?" and I expected him to remark about the people but he just said " the room was to small and not very nice but the doctor was really nice- I liked her." Hmmm wow- thats pretty cool. I have a pretty level headed kid. "Yea, the doctor was really great" I said "and you know we are no better then any of these people that are there. You know that right?" I finished. " Yea I know" My son said. "God loves these people the same as us, we really are no different". I added.
After we got home I was folding clothes and rehashing my afternoon. Wondering why us. What Lord are you taking us thru and for what reason. Even now as I am writing this part of me is thinking I can't believe you would even subject yourself to that -your better then that. Really?
This has been the most challenging month for us. I thought gee this can't get any worse and it has. I will spare you all the details but I will say this we arent the same. We are not stuck up. We are not selfish. We are no better then anyone else. We are broken. We are at the mercy of our Lord. If we didn't believe in him we would have never made it this far. We are changed. We are preciously place in Papas hands. And only now are we beginning to live. Anything and everything could not be in our favor right now its simply not.
Our eyes are being opened. Our hearts are to the point that there is no resistance. Could this be where the Lord is readying us?
Today we went to the new doctors for the kids. So yea that was really interesting. I'm not sure how I survived it without turning around and leaving...in the parking lot before I even parked. Yes thats not a good sign is it? Can I tell you that I am being humbled beyond my imagination. In a previous blog I mentioned that we got kicked off our blue chip and were so graciouly put on medicade. It was a 2 month battle that I did not win and we were stuck with the doctor that was pre-chosen for us. No one else excepted this insurance so we being directed to a inner city health center.
All I can say is God must be giving me courage that I didn't know that I had. As I drove thru a part of the city that is not a place that I would typically drive slowly or find a parking spot. So I find the center that is placed right beside a church and in front of probably a crack house. So we went into the building that had a pharmacy located in it. Does your doctors office have that? Hmmmmmm. Yea thats pretty interesting. We walked thru the building and found the pediatrics. As I sat there my eyes are just brimming... thinking Lord what are you doing to us? We felt very out of place- please I am saying that very humbling but honestly. Look the truth is I could have just walked out of there. I almost did but I coudn't - the kids needed there shots. I could give you all the disparing details of the rooms, the help, the people. My son kept saying to me "Mom I don't like this place." As we left I asked him "Ok so what did you think of that place?" and I expected him to remark about the people but he just said " the room was to small and not very nice but the doctor was really nice- I liked her." Hmmm wow- thats pretty cool. I have a pretty level headed kid. "Yea, the doctor was really great" I said "and you know we are no better then any of these people that are there. You know that right?" I finished. " Yea I know" My son said. "God loves these people the same as us, we really are no different". I added.
After we got home I was folding clothes and rehashing my afternoon. Wondering why us. What Lord are you taking us thru and for what reason. Even now as I am writing this part of me is thinking I can't believe you would even subject yourself to that -your better then that. Really?
This has been the most challenging month for us. I thought gee this can't get any worse and it has. I will spare you all the details but I will say this we arent the same. We are not stuck up. We are not selfish. We are no better then anyone else. We are broken. We are at the mercy of our Lord. If we didn't believe in him we would have never made it this far. We are changed. We are preciously place in Papas hands. And only now are we beginning to live. Anything and everything could not be in our favor right now its simply not.
Our eyes are being opened. Our hearts are to the point that there is no resistance. Could this be where the Lord is readying us?
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